Meaning.

Language is powerful and so important, we name things to understand them.

Meaning is even more important, the meanings we make out of the names we give things.

I have felt depressed before. My energy has felt low, depleted under pressure, pushed and held down by something. The meaning I made of depressed led the way for me to address it. To look for where the pressure was coming from, how I could reduce some of the pressure and simultaneously strengthen myself to be able to hold what was left. 

I have felt anxious before. My energy heightened, scattered, uneasy. The meaning I made of the word for the feeling, in that situation, led me to look for grounding, focus, ease.

I have considered Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, a group of words, a term, as a match for a symptom picture. It led me to explore attention and focus, to look at what can get in the way of it and what can support it, in order to balance the deficit. It led me to explore how energy impacts activity and behaviour and to work with that energy to be able to direct it.

Disorder needs its own line, alongside disease and dysfunction.

Dis-order leads me to look for order and where things fit or don’t fit together.

Dis- ease points me towards finding more ease and flow.

Dys-function highlights something disrupting optimal functioning.

The meanings we make can help us and sometimes they can get in the way.

When I found the term ‘Highly Sensitive’ it was a lightbulb, a massive floodlight lightbulb. It was a term that made sense, that explained something about myself that I hadn’t understood before. It led me to explore how different people feel things in different ways. How the same thing can impact two people very differently. It pointed me towards understanding, acceptance, compassion and then boundaries. To protect what I need, to have order, ease and optimal function in my life, even when it doesn’t look like what the person next to me needs. It led me to trust what I feel about what I need over what someone else thinks I should.

Pathological Demand Avoidance is a term that has had me a bit riled up of late. I became aware of it and felt that same great big lightbulb. I heard some amazing people talking about it and felt a connection to what they described, an affinity with them but not the words being used to name what they described. 

After twenty years in the world of nursing ‘pathological’ means something ‘wrong’ to me, something concerning that leads to or points to disease. So the initial meaning I made of the term was- unable to cope with demands and avoiding demands in a way that is unhealthy. It didn’t sit right, I couldn’t accept this term as mine and yet I couldn’t let it go as not mine either, so I sat with it and explored.

I avoid demands.

I feel my nervous system react intensely, in a negative way, to demands often.

I also understand my neurotype and my attachment style, the way that I am wired and the patterns that I have formed through my experiences in life. When I click these pieces together with the way that I respond to demands it makes sense and I can add-

I avoid demands that feel damaging to me.

I avoid demands that cross my boundaries.

I avoid demands to look after myself and avoid dis-ease.

I avoid demands that might seem normal and reasonable to others but are too much for my nervous system to cope with without negatively impacting my functioning. I am wary of letting myself be drained, depleted and damaged by demands.

I avoid pathological demands. 

So I’ve started to see the term differently as ‘Pathological Demand’ Avoidance rather than Pathological ‘Demand Avoidance’ and when I see it that way, I’m able to work with it. I’m able to use it like I use ‘Highly Sensitive’ as a piece of information about myself that helps me to understand my way of being in the world. It helps me to put effort into the things I know increase my capacity for the demands of my daily life and on the flipside to practice saying ‘No’ in a healthy way to what feels too much for me and my highly sensitive nervous system.

Along your path to understanding yourself and your child be aware of language, of the words and terms you take on as yours. Be aware of the meaning you make of those words and how that meaning can be the difference between them helping or hindering your path towards ease and optimal functioning in your life.