Moving through.

I hit a wall a few years back. My youngest was about to turn one, my boys were both in school and we were onto our third regional/remote town.

It didn’t come out of nowhere. It was the result of thirty odd years of misunderstanding myself, my needs, my energy and emotions.

It was a tipping point, an empty point, a time where the way I had been living and being just could not go on any longer. A turning point.

My body had been whispering to me for my whole life. It had been so, so patient really but then, when it couldn’t stand being ignored any longer, it made me listen with a roar.

It took my choice to listen or not away from me.

Life has been a ride since then. It has been layers and layers of unmet need and unheard voice rising to the surface. The queue had gotten so long and the weight of it all so heavy that there was no space left for me to breath, no way that I could move while still holding it all.

I worked, and still work, through lifting the layers, one by one and letting them go. Creating space within me for the things I want and want to be able to do in life. I also work to not let new layers settle in and begin to build on top of each other.

The world around me hasn’t changed all that much. The way it works, the way it challenges me. While I have adjusted the parts of my environment that I have some control over- so much of it is still just what it is. It still affects me the way it does and requires me to accept it and move on.

The difference now is that I know how ignoring and avoiding does not equate to accepting. The difference now is that I choose to feel and experience it all so that it can come and then go. The difference now is that I live it and I speak it out loud, not just here but to the people in my life.

When something feels hard, I say it feels hard. When something feels frustrating, exciting, exhausting, uncertain, confusing, I say those things too. When everything feels too much and I don’t know what I feel then I say all of that, out loud.

I’m not trying to be anything anymore. I’m not covering up what I am or keeping it all inside. I’m not giving up the space, now that I’ve felt life with it. I’m not taking on the weight now that I have felt and moved with lightness.

Every time the world around me starts to swirl and grab at me and throw a stream of layers my way, I talk about it, I write about it and I keep moving through my days.