On the mask being gone.

I’ve had some interesting thoughts swirling today, after a big weekend. Not the usual footy, birthday parties or work event kind of big but a ‘like we used to do in our twenties/before kids/in another life’ kind of big. A long, late lunch with flowing drinks followed by a party back at the house. No expense spared, transport and a place to sleep sorted, kids having the best time somewhere else and the kind of old friends who bring back the carefree, vibrant energy of your twenties. It was fun, so fun, catching up, being silly, letting go of all the reasons we ‘should’ be sensible and conservative and slow down.

I’m still feeling a little depleted two days on but it was well worth it and I have the time and space to allow myself to settle and come back to balance. What I’m noticing is something else, a memory of something else I used to experience often on a day like today alongside the physical depletion. I’m noticing that it’s not here. The moments that used to happen after a night of letting go, the moments of ‘oh crap what did I say and why did I say that and what must they be thinking now?’ The moments of realising that in order to relax and have fun and join in and go with the flow, I had dropped my mask.

It’s impossible to remain in complete control of our outer image and expression and also have fun and be present in the moment. You can’t hold tight and let go at the same time. Those moments where I chose fun and presence exposed something underneath and the following day or days I would experience a deeply internal conflict of ‘that felt so good, to just be AND I feel vulnerable and exposed and fearful of rejection now’. Remembering and imagining the looks on faces that said ‘who is this person?’ because it was a side of me I never really let anyone see or know. It was the things I would normally hide and bury and cover over with something that I thought others would like better.

There could not be fun without regret, which meant that over time a resistance to having any fun at all grew and grew inside.

Today I am aware of just feeling ok and at ease alongside feeling physically tired. It was just fun- exhausting in the best kind of way fun- and that conflicting regret is nowhere to be seen/heard or felt. Because the mask is gone, because the real me is here every day now- weird, different, annoying, confusing, intense, passionate, sensitive. She’s here all the time, not just when I let go. So when I’m out and I’m four glasses of wine in and someone asks me a question, they get the same answer they would get on a Tuesday afternoon at the school gate. It might be a bit gigglier or louder but the thing I’m saying is the same. The thing that I’m saying is my real and true, coming from who I am inside answer. I’m not considering and curating my responses or way of being anymore so there is no mask to try and fail to hold up with shaky arms as I get more and more relaxed and caught up in the vibe of a party.

I am here, I am there, I just am and I’m not scared for you or anyone to see, anymore.

The mask eventually became so heavy and rigid that it would crack often and underneath the weight of it I had become resentful, tired and angry. I realised that I would much rather you (and especially my children) see the ‘weirdness’ underneath than that. And then I learned how much the ‘weirdness’ actually softened when I stopped holding it under water, when it didn’t need to fight and scream to be seen and heard anymore. It wasn’t so scary and confronting, it wasn’t even that weird, it was just different.

The first few years of Little Wildflowers were an exploration of my child, of learning to see the world through his eyes in order to understand him better and be able to give him what he needed. In May 2020 Sensitive and Aware grew into a space of its own where I explored and shared the exact same process for myself and my inner child. I stripped back a lot of what I had learned to do and be over the years in order to fit in (so that even those closest to me had no idea of my differences or sensitivities) and I got to know myself from the inside out. The online course and group that I created in that space with the help of the parents who joined me there is still very dear to my heart and many of the current modules that I offer evolved out of it.

Sensitive & Aware the module is about acknowledgment of difference, awareness of our patterns and acceptance of self. It’s a month of meeting with the parts of you that you have learned to cover up, ignore and judge as bad, too much or not enough. Because I believe that our differences are what make us special and that understanding them is what allows us to live an authentic and full life.

I also believe that when we as parents can acknowledge, understand, accept and love all of our parts then we can do the same for our children and support them to grow into adults who can do the same for themselves.