Time For The Light

I’ve just been told that I probably have adrenal fatigue ie. I am completely worn out and have been for so long that my adrenal glands are now giving up and struggling to produce the hormones they usually do. I wasn’t shocked, it makes sense, I have been feeling for weeks that I am running on empty. I have felt burned out, like I have nothing left to give and nothing left to even pretend I’m ok. She said not to feel bad or like I’m failing or not coping- the majority of young women she sees are struggling with the exact same thing. That did make me feel a little better because it doesn’t seem like that, it seems like I am all alone over here not coping, just surviving, while everyone else is managing just fine with all of the same things. “Why can’t I just cope like everybody else?” I asked, and she said it’s mostly because they lie and they pretend. “That’s bullshit” I thought but only for a second before I realised that the reason I am here is because I’ve been lying and pretending too. I’ve been keeping up and carrying on for years and when I wondered “Why? Why do we do that?” I realised it’s because we have to. They depend on us, they need us to and then the saddest part is that we fear that if we stop or drop the ball, if we don’t look like we’ve got it all under control then we’ll lose it and maybe someone else will take it. We’re hanging on for dear life because we fear it’s the only option. Until it’s not an option any longer, that is, when we can’t physically do it any longer and our bodies or our minds just stop working.

That’s where I am now. Adrenal fatigue, burn out, anxiety, depression, the verge of a nervous breakdown, the verge of collapse, the verge of serious illness. After six years of intense and constant stress and sleep deprivation, of saying “it’s ok as long as they are ok” and “I’ll be fine I just need to keep going until I figure this out or get this done”, it’s not ok anymore and I’m not fine. It’s interesting that I could cope with so much worse than this back then, in the thick of it, that I have survived much tougher things than I cannot cope with now. Maybe because back then I had reserves and I was strong even though I was tired. My strong body and mind adapted and persevered, it did what it needed to do for me to survive. Now that our survival as a family is not so much at stake, now that I have some space to breathe because the constant fight has eased, now that I can dial down the adrenaline I can feel the damage and I can feel the emptiness. It is no longer simply a choice to keep going and leave myself off the list because they need me more. Now it’s time to heal before permanent, irreparable damage is done. I may have done enough little things along the way and at intervals felt better but those times have been short plateaus along an otherwise steady decline. This all has the potential to destroy me, I feel it in my bones, it’s time to shift my health and well-being to an incline. It’s my turn to take the pills, my turn to nap and get to bed early, it’s my turn to listen to my body and my needs.

I only wish it was that simple. The circumstances that led me here aren’t about to change, I am still a mother of three living far away from family and friends with very little support. In a perfect world I would surrender at this point, throw my hands in the air and say “please look after me for a little while”. To do that I would need to be around people who love me enough to understand that I have nothing to give them right now in return for their love and care but that I need their love and care more than ever. I need to be around people who know this is not me, who will forgive me the silence when I can’t carry a conversation, who will forgive me the forgotten dates and will not be phased by my crankiness and mood swings. I need time and space to fill my cup back up from rock bottom and to do that I need less energy going out than coming in. I need to look after people less for a little while and have them look after me. I need to do less, give less and take more for a little bit. I need to put less on my list and start putting things like having a nap, reading a book, writing or doing nothing on my lists. I need a change now.

We are about to move a little closer to home but we will still be on our own. I am hopeful that the imbalance of energy out to energy in will shift in our new home. I don’t expect it to solve everything but a fresh start, wide open spaces and being close enough to home to visit and have visitors often feels like it will be positive. We have learned so much from this place and while I want to be out of here right now it will always be a part of our story. Our baby girl was born here, we opened our eyes and hearts to each other again here, we learned that just existing isn’t enough and we decided to do better than that. It all had to happen but it was difficult, painful and took a lot of energy out. This place was the proverbial straw that broke this camel’s back and now it represents all of that so it is so hard to be here, just to be. I can only hope now that it is time to move on that we can take all that we’ve learned, the way we’ve grown and be better in our new home. I hope it will be just what we need, a chance to really heal and thrive again because I’ve spent enough of my precious time with my babies just surviving.