Different.

It’s been eight weeks since I posted. Not intentionally but also not without intention. Everything I have sat with and written in that time has softly and clearly said “this is just for you” and so I have honoured that. My intention throughout all of that time was, as always, to consistently give my inner world the time and attention it needed. Just to make the time to listen, amongst everything else that was going on, and do my best to respond rather than react to what came up.

Now as I start to feel these words flowing in such a familiar way that I have been missing and awaiting, I see. I had become weighed down, my feet had landed and grounded themselves in a place that wouldn’t let go. Being immersed in some of the darkest corners of our society, our collective psyche, of humanity, had brought a heaviness to my spirit. It didn’t feel good but I had a strong sense that it wasn’t supposed to. That finding ways to feel good or better wasn’t what was needed.

So I stayed, with it, through it and trusted that my body and inner wisdom had my back. That by making the time and listening each day, sometimes several times a day, I would be finding my way to better and good. And I did.

Many days, in the past eight weeks all I was asked to do in that listening space was enjoy the day, enjoy the break, be in and with the moment. Many days there were wounds, layers, uncomfortable truths, emotions and memories to deal with, work with and move through. Both gave me what I needed. Staying with what wasn’t feeling good gave me what I needed. Resting and grounding in the present, for a breath, a day or more, gave me what I needed.

A couple of days ago the heaviness let me go. A beautiful colleague passed on some wisdom she had heard and held through her years of experience caring and loving and supporting people through life and pain. She said ‘our energy- good, beautiful energy- is wasted when we get consumed with what we cannot change or control.’ Something unlocked. It clicked, landed and I remembered. The best and most powerful thing we can do to fight violence and suffering in the world is to not fight at all. Is to look around at what is in front of us, at what we have influence over and to put our good, beautiful energy there. To love who and what is in front of us. To make a difference by being different from what is breaking our hearts.

To notice yes, to feel and acknowledge the breaking of our hearts and hearts around us yes and but not without the most important part, which is to use what all of that does and brings to us, to know what we want and need to be different from.