Not a weapon.
Today has been a day like every other and also one that will never be repeated.
A day of grey clouds threatening rain and also of green rolling hills and flowing streams.
A day of ‘what will happen next?’ and ‘how did we even get here?’ and also of the moment, just this right here, being certain and unquestioned and beautiful.
It’s been a day of worrying about misunderstandings and also of focussing on answering those with the decency to ask rather than assume.
A day of frustration for all that remains unseen and unsaid and also of finding peace in the quiet of letting it be.
It’s been a day of absorbing judgments and untruths and also of knowing what is true for me more clearly than ever before.
It has been all of these things. In each case both versions existing at the same time, because they can, but only one of each can be how I feel. I choose which one I take on, which version I let stay for me. The fear or the love.
I’ve learned along the way here that what others think of me doesn’t matter, that the approval they threaten to take away (for reasons that are theirs to examine) doesn’t and has never made me who I am. That approval, if I live my life for it won’t take care of my kids or pay my bills or feed my spirit when I take the wrong turn while looking at them for my path.
None of them will even be around, like they weren’t around while I pulled myself and my family out of a deep dark hole a few years ago. While I found my own way to the truths that were buried under so much ‘you should’ and ‘we don’t know but we know best’ and ‘this is what works for everybody else so just keep doing it’.
‘This works for everybody else and no you can’t question it or ask for anything different’ is the biggest red flag on my radar now because what works for everybody else crippled me slowly and steadily for years. It damaged me and my baby until we could barely function anymore. Looking inward rather than outward and finding what is unique in us and what actually works for us brought us back to life. That life that we got back is precious. It wasn’t promised, it almost wasn’t realised and it’s mine to protect.
Today and all the days around today I go between disbelief that the moment we got our health and life back, the moment the fight to be ok was over…the world turned upside down and started to tell us that we need to go back to doing ‘what works for everybody else’. It will no longer be a choice, despite what we know and where we’ve been there is only one way now and it’s the way that we spent years recovering from.
There is that disbelief, that frustration, that quicksand of negativity and then there is an anchor of hope and love and gratitude for how we actually made it through, relatively unscathed. How we were able to stop the damage before it was too late, to make the changes we needed to so that the parts of us that are less than perfect don’t define us anymore, to unravel and heal the layers of damage that were in us from the time we spent stumbling. The time we spent doing all of the ‘right things’ that weren’t right for us.
I’m looking, I’m watching, I’m listening now. I’m fighting the urge to retreat into a cave. It feels like all bets are off, it feels like madness but it feels important to stay and process all of what is happening here.
Where we’ve raised our children to think for themselves and stand up for themselves amongst the pack. No not for this.
Where we’ve always given people choice even when their choices clearly (not hypothetically) put strain on our health system. No not for this.
Where being a good person has meant being tolerant and empathetic, loving thy neighbour and being kind. No not for this.
Where informed consent and critical thinking have been the backbone of being a healthcare professional. No not for this.
Where shaming and coercive behaviour have been frowned upon and seen as abuse. No not for this.
All bets are off and suddenly being on the right and winning team is all that matters. If you are fighting for that team then all bets are off, the old rules don’t apply. Seriously? I say no, not even for this. I’m still here, watching, listening, waiting and choosing what I know is right, safe, healthy and sustainable for myself and my family in each moment. I’m still here adjusting and adapting the best I can from moment to moment. I’m allowing others to do the same for them whatever that looks like for them but I’m not allowing them to use their approval as some kind of weapon. That one is definitely my choice, pandemic or no pandemic and that one is definitely a no thank you from me.
