And So It Is

I’ve got a hole in each of my arms today. One on each side. One where something came out and one where something went in. It’s been a bit of a full circle feeling this week, another full circle. There have been so many, layers of circles that open up, expand, stay with me and then close when it is time. The bloods I had taken from my right arm yesterday were routine, just a check-up, nothing wrong but they were so important. They were ordered by a doctor I’ve been hoping and searching for for years. A doctor who looked at me and said ‘tell me more’ who said ‘of course we can talk about that, of course it is real’. Who had an open and real conversation with me, heard me and with her energy told me she’s got me, she’s got us, I’m not on my own with this anymore. I’ve been on my own with this for a really long time.

She added a test to the end of my routine bloods without me even thinking to ask. She added the test that will confirm what I have assumed for years. That the gene that has caused my LW so much struggle in his short life came from me, that it has also been the silent, invisible, unrecognized reason for so much of my struggle. It’s the physical manifestation of our sensitivity, the reason we are affected by so many foods, chemicals, toxins that are supposed to be safe and ok. So I had the bloods and in a couple of weeks I’ll know for sure but that won’t really change anything. What has changed everything is having her support. One conversation changed everything.

My other arm, my left, is feeling heavy today, my head a little foggy, my throat a little tickly and inflamed. My immune system is responding beautifully and perfectly to an assault that I willingly inflicted on it yesterday. After a few weeks of feeling at peace with the potential of needing to do it and a couple of weeks of planning and preparing for it I showed up and bared my shoulder in order to keep doing my job. It’s done, it’s in my body and just like that blood result I’m waiting on it hasn’t changed anything really. I’m still free, I’m still grateful for the abundance of beauty in this world, I’m still strong in my body and my mind. Maybe even stronger than I was the day before.

Now that it is done there is relief that my energy is not tied up in what to do or how to avoid it or all of the reasons why I should or shouldn’t and would rather not have to. It’s done and now I feel it in my bones that it changes nothing. I did it for those who are vulnerable. I did it for our broken healthcare system, for those who work in it and those stuck in it. I did it so that I can keep working, in any small way, on all of the reasons why it became the only way, the best option, necessary in this pandemic. I did it because it had to be done and the chances of another option becoming available to me disappeared. I did it because it became a step on the path moving forward in this and because being fearful of what is ahead can’t be a reason for standing still.

Even though this LW journey has taught us all the ways our health can be impacted by the invisible, the silent, the many things that aren’t recognised as damaging or taken seriously in our food and environment it has also taught us that avoiding, fighting and fearing isn’t the way to health and happiness. It’s taught us that focusing on all of the potential threats around us will damage us as much if not more than the actual threats could. We shifted from strict elimination diets to gut healing and then eating for gut health. We shifted from fearing and feeling overwhelmed by the potential toxins in our water, air and environment to minimizing what we can and supporting and trusting our bodies’ detoxification processes. We shifted from beating ourselves up about every emotional blowup to working on our understanding of emotions and learning how to respond better in every opportunity we were given.

This is no different. We’ve shifted from avoiding and fighting having something unknown and unpredictable injected into us to trusting in our bodies to respond appropriately and heal from any damage. To being grateful for everything we have learned about our bodies, everything we have done to improve our health, all of the tools we have now to be ok and to deal with whatever comes of this. I woke up on Friday morning, bloods planned for first thing, vax booked for mid morning and my mind began to race. What was I doing? What if it wasn’t the right choice? What if I was going against my gut, listening too much to others? There would be no going back, I couldn’t take it back. What if what if what if? I breathed, I reached for my flower essences, I stretched my arms up to the sky and I got in the shower. I listened for the answer, listened in for what my gut was really saying underneath my racing mind. The what if’s aren’t real, the what if’s are doubt and fear, what is in front of you is showing up and doing what is required in this moment. The rest is fear, the rest is what if’s, the rest is not real. Not going would be a fear response, not going would be avoiding and fighting and allowing fear to keep you still, stuck. Not going would be letting fear prevent you from moving forward.

It’s not how I saw this playing out, it’s not what I expected but I’m getting pretty used to that feeling. I’ve done a lot of things I haven’t wanted to have to do on this path. I’ve learned to surrender and trust that when I can’t see what’s ahead all I can do is accept that I’m not supposed to. All I can do is focus on what I can see, right here and now. This has been no different, this has been in perfect alignment with what I know, what I’ve learned and what I do. It has been another experience of sitting with what is in front of me in each moment as each moment changes and doing my very best with what I have. To allow the fear and other emotions, allow the shadow, allow what is asking to be acknowledged to be felt. To stay with it for as long as it stays with me and then to choose to act when it is time to act from love, choose to act from what is underneath the noise, the chatter, the subconscious attempts to protect myself from anything hard. It has been another opportunity and another challenge to do the hard thing simply because it is what is on the path in front of me.