I’m Calling Bullshit

I’m calling bullshit. On ‘healthy’ competition, on sibling rivalry, on some of my favourite authors and experts. I’ve read them all say that ‘one upping’ is part of how boys grow. I’ve read them say that Dads and brothers and cousins are meant to push them, that this push is positive and necessary but after ten years of buying into it I’m calling bullshit. I’ve sat back and cringed, telling myself that I don’t get it, that I’m not meant to, that it makes me uncomfortable because I’m not a boy or a man but I’m going to put it out there now that maybe it makes me uncomfortable because it’s based on old, damaged patterns of behaviour and it’s time for them to go. Every time I hear my boys trying to prove their worth by beating or belittling each other I fume. No matter how many times I say it they don’t stop, no matter which way I explain it they don’t seem to get it. I tire of it, it frustrates me and eventually that frustration turns into anger. I tell them I don’t get it, I tell them it’s awful to listen to, I plea with them to listen, understand, stop. I walk away defeated and tell myself it’s ok, it’s how it’s meant to be but I can’t anymore.

Suddenly it doesn’t just baffle me it breaks my heart as I see each of them fight for a worth that is already theirs, that has always been theirs as I watch them hurt each other to help themselves. To compete, to beat, to be the best. This world of striving is based on the belief that those they compete with are better than them. If they are not the better one then they are the worse one. Apparently this challenge to continually frog jump over each other is healthy. Jumping over while pushing down is how they are supposed to grow and again I call bullshit. The simple truth of it is that no matter what you do or don’t have, no matter what you can or can’t do you are not better than anybody and no-one is better than you. It’s a truth that seems to have been lost or perhaps a truth that have been purposefully hidden for there is no ‘power over’ if we let go of the idea of being better than others. Age, race, religion, gender, class/status, none of it makes us better or worse, none of it gives us more or less worth, none of it gives us power over another.

It breaks my heart when I say to my child “nobody is better than you, smarter than you and you are not better than anybody” and he responds with “I don’t believe that’s true”. It’s not something that he’s been told verbally, it’s something that is deep within, messages to this effect have slowly trickled in over his lifetime. Messages that he needs to compete and beat to be worthy. That those above him will power over him and that he has the right to power over those below and less than him. The world has been telling him his whole life who those people are- those smaller, those weaker, those who have less. The world has been telling him that his worth comes from climbing and staying above them and if he lets up then they will do the same to him and he will lose some of his worth.

The world is changing. I’m reading everywhere about these masculine structures and patterns making way for more balance. Perhaps the feminine will bring a softer pattern, a knowing of the strength in standing beside someone and giving them a ‘lift’ up. By allowing and assisting them to reach the next level and then reach down to pull us up with them. I hope this shift in the world will give me what I need to teach my sons that this way, supporting and encouraging each other uses the same amount of energy, leads them to the same growth, without hurting anyone. I hope it’s not too late.