On 7:45am at the gym.

I’m still recovering. I think I will be in recovery for the rest of my life. I will need to be mindful of what I have had to recover from and my tendencies to slip back.

To slip back into being boundaryless, into being disconnected from my body, my needs, my self. Into living my life for others at the expense of my health, into looking to the outside world for the answers and instructions for my life.

For the first half of my life I lived this way, spending way too much time with my triggers and not enough with my glimmers. I didn’t know what either of those things were. It was only when my babies started to silently say ‘Mama, when you’re hurt, we hurt too’ that I realised just how hurt I was and had always been. Because I had followed all of the right instructions without realising that most of them weren’t actually right for me.

My recovery has moved through phases. From burnout where I had no idea what was happening to me, to awareness when I started to notice and see, to embodiment where I started to live by my own instructions and now it seems I am moving into a phase of strengthening.

All of these phases have required a mindset of recovery and mindfulness. This one especially will require me to maintain a mindset of recovery and mindfulness. To not get caught in a, this feels good (and a bit ‘normal’) so more is more is more mindset.

This morning the universe (and an awesome teacher/PT ) offered me a 7:45am gym class. For a long time by body has very clearly said no to the gym. Apart from Cycle classes, which feel predictable and safe enough because I did them for so long pre-kids, I have avoided the gym.

Boot camp? Burpees? Extreme? Cross? Anything?

The idea, the thought has made my body contract and say please no, just NO. Part of my recovery has been to listen to that. To show my body that I can and I will listen- even when what it is saying doesn’t make sense. When the world I live and work in says- diet and exercise equals health and the harder you push and work, the stronger and healthier you will be.

So I have learned to say no, to not put myself in situations where I am going to be pushed and manipulated to ignore my body. To move my body only in ways I can feel it saying yes to.

It has been slow and often frustrating but recently I have been feeling a shift. I have noticed some nudges to explore and play with new types of movement. At home, with only me and my body to guide me I have been working on strength.

A couple of weeks ago when I saw an advertisement for a 7:45am Monday morning, ‘quick, intense workout’ I felt my body not only say yes but light up with the idea. I felt excited when my alarm went off this morning and looked forward to my early start.

My body is ready to feel some push now and it’s an amazing feeling. My body is saying yes to being pushed and just needs me to keep following it. In the same way it needed me to slow down for as long as was necessary, it needs me to push and strengthen for as long and as often as it is saying yes now.

It’s not about following all of the rules and instructions and plans for health out there in the world. It’s really about learning how to follow our own bodies so that we can be flexible in our lifestyle practices, so that we can know what our options are and live our lives connected to what our bodies are asking for and needing for each season, each phase, even down to each day.

‘Learn to Listen So to Speak’ is the Module for you if this is something that resonates with you. If you want to learn how to hear your body’s yes’s and no’s clearly enough to live by them.