On being offered someone else’s shiny, quick fix.

This week I have been seeking support, seeking clarity, focussing in on where my inner voice is pointing me. It has the answers of course, it knows what I need, but in times like this for whatever reason, it’s not a nice one sentence response that I get. Instead it’s a tapestry of threads that I need to collect up and weave together myself.

Interestingly, the first thread, a new practitioner I booked in to meet and possibly work with offered me something I was not expecting. Offered me a referral for assessment for an ADHD diagnosis. What a golden thread that has been this week, to sit with and unravel.

After everything we’ve been through, everything I’ve worked and studied to understand it was as though she threw a heavy rock at it all and shattered it to pieces. There was no way I could look away and continue on as if the conversation hadn’t happened. I had to, at the very least pick up all the pieces and put them back together. While I was at it I found myself looking at each one up close and questioning whether they still belong here.

I had the opportunity to leave some down there on the ground where they lay. The opportunity to fill in the gaps with something new and different if I chose. Or even to leave it all on the ground and walk forward holding this piece of hers instead.

It has been a really big and triggering week for me. I have gathered my tools and reached out to those who anchor me. I have felt the pull of that opportunity to throw it all in, the lens I see myself, my challenges and my way forward through, and swap it for hers. She presented it as such a clear and strong view of a way to be ok.

I have felt the messiness and muddiness of different parts of me wanting to go in different directions with it. And then I felt it settle enough so that I could see just the pieces scattered and sense that nobody can pick them up and rearrange them but me or even show me how.

I don’t need them to.

I have always had this choice. There have always been different and opposing lenses to see and work through, there always will be. While someone else’s might, on a hard day especially, appear shiny, easy and guaranteed to help I have worked and fought for mine for a long time. On a bad day I may feel tired of the work but I also feel empowered when I am reminded that layer by layer I have come this far.

When I breathe deeply and drop into my body now it is nudging me to pick up her words and her assessment as a piece of the big picture and just be patient while it finds it’s own way to fit amongst everything I already have.