One Foot in Front

I created this page about three and a half years ago. I created it out of frustration in some respects. I was immensely frustrated about the difficulties I had faced simply trying to help my son to be healthy and well in the first few years of his life. I was angry at a system that had failed us and left us to figure it out alone. I was also inspired by everything that I was in the process of learning outside of that system after venturing out there. I wanted to share our wins and the things that were changing our lives after the years we’d spent struggling and hitting dead end after dead end. I wanted to be heard after the many times I had been fobbed off and sent away with no help and no hope. I wanted to say to all of the other frustrated parents out there “You are not alone” and “There is hope”.Right now I would love to be back there. Where pandemics were something that were in our history. Where the fight was between those who believed alternative medicine to be quackery and those who had found as much relief and healing through it as we had. It was so simple back then to write and talk about our healing journey, the things we were exploring and all of our successes and improvements. My biggest fear was that someone would laugh at me or not believe me. Now I laugh at myself for that.Now, today, my fear is that others will judge my choices and my values as dangerous and wrong. That without taking a moment to ask me a question or talk to me about where I’ve been they will decide I’m something that they fear. They will decide who I am, what I am worth and what I deserve.This isn’t new for us. We’ve been in this for the best part of a decade, since long before masks were sold in the supermarket checkout. We’ve been forced to be aware of every single thing we put into our bodies. To be worried about what tiny invisible thing might send us downhill next. To walk away from experts who had nothing for us and sit behind computers to learn for ourselves. I’ve learned how to find the information I need, who I can trust, how to discern fact from opinion and to sort through mountains of anecdote and experience to find the pieces that could lead us to what we needed. Not because I didn’t believe in or value science and medicine but because they had nothing for me.I didn’t choose any of this. I didn’t wake up one morning and decide to question everything. I was forced to. I didn’t suddenly feel like challenging the status quo might be an interesting pastime. I don’t derive entertainment or pleasure out of being ‘alternative’. It’s not a trend for me or for us. It was survival and now it’s our life. It is where we have found our health and wellness as a family. In food as medicine, in minimising the synthetic crap we put in and onto our bodies, in steering clear of the bandaid, take a pill or cut it out approach to health. In understanding what each of us needs to be our best selves, to function at our best in order to contribute positively to the world. In doing the work to heal from the inside out and then avoid the things that caused the damage to begin with. We are good people AND we are cautious. We care about our community AND we are wary. We want everyone to be safe AND we know that one size never fits all. I’ve been quiet on this page for a few weeks now. There hasn’t been anything much to say. It hasn’t felt worth it. It hasn’t felt safe. The stories of our everyday, simple, mindful life haven’t wanted to be shared.But I’m saying this now because it’s important. This page is here now, even when I go quiet, for the same reasons it was created. It will be here for as long as it is allowed to be. I will write and share honestly when the words come to me for as long as the cursor flashes in the box and the publish button works. I am not alone. I know I’m not. Through this page I’ve connected with so many parents who have shared my experience. Our children have struggled, we have struggled to help them, we have needed something more than what we were offered by the system and we have found what we needed outside of it. It’s not possible to unknow what we know, to erase the experiences that are burned into our minds. We can’t not look for the underlying cause or question the long term consequences of our choices. We can’t take general recommendations at face value or trust that the system is interested in us or our families. We can’t unknow what we have learned, first hand, through lived experience. We can’t easily risk going back to where we have been. If you are worried right now. You are not alone.If you are feeling stuck, like nothing is helping and what you’ve been given as the answer is creating just as many problems as you started with. You are not alone.If your gut is telling you that there has to be something else, something better. You are not alone.If the thought of anything undoing all of the blood sweat and tears you have put into getting well is unbearable. You are not alone. If you would simply like some space, time, respect and choice but see the opposite happening to those around you who dare to question. You are not alone.We are all here, doing the best we can with what we have. Putting one foot in front of the other and learning from each step.You are and always will be valued here in this space. You will never be alone.