Quarry

A couple of weeks ago we were visiting in Perth and took the dog for a walk through a local quarry. I remember the place from when I was a kid, having grown up a couple of suburbs away. The dog must have thought he was in heaven. Not only was it the big open space I remembered but it was lush and green, obviously now a popular area for dog walks. I was still marveling at how different the place looked from my memory of it when I realised the boys had taken off. They were standing at the bottom of the biggest limestone rock face in the place staring up and then up they both started.

There were enough places to grab hold and rest feet for them to both get about halfway up easily and then as I noticed Mr 11 starting to plan his descent and Mr 9 staring up towards the top I called out “That’s high enough boys.” There didn’t seem to be much of a ledge at the top, it wasn’t clear what he would actually get to if he continued climbing and made it up there. He agreed and they both started coming down, Mr 11 the whole way and Mr 9 down to the point where he wanted to jump from. I held my breath, he managed it fine and then promptly found a sandy path up to the top to check out what was there. He wasn’t taking my word for it like I had thought, he was agreeing that he didn’t know what was up there and then heading straight up to find out. He was noticing, processing deeply, he was sensing and taking in the world around him in his special way. He came back down and was amused by the dogs running around for a short time before heading back to the wall.

I watched more closely this time wondering what he had discerned from his exploration of ‘the top’ and what he would try next. I hoped he would stop again midway before the risk of injury if he fell was too great and he did. He went up a different way, tried and tested his body, his ability, his skill and then made his way back down a little way. He stood, this time on a different part of the rock face looking down, sizing up the distance, the much bigger distance, deciding whether he could stretch himself a little further. I stopped watching from a distance and headed towards him. “Come down a bit lower bud, you can jump from that same spot again.”

Where he was standing now wasn’t just higher but it was directly above a much longer and thicker patch of grass. “We can’t see what’s below you there mate, you could land funny on a rock that you don’t know is there and really hurt yourself.” He stayed where he was and suddenly looked furious at me, he pushed back, he resisted, he threatened to defy, he told me to go away and leave him alone. I stood my ground and calmly explained what I could see, what I had noticed, what I was processing about what he was attempting to do. Even though I could tell he was beyond being able to hear me, beyond any reason I stayed and I continued to ask him to climb down to the area we knew was clear and we knew was a little safer for his jump. He eventually did, seething, eyes red, walked straight past me muttering something about not being a complete idiot. I followed a little way behind as he stormed out of the quarry, as he turned in the opposite direction trying to get away from his Dad and brother and their comments about the situation. I quietly went his way and as he walked off the emotion and energy of ‘having to give in’ of not getting to take the leap he felt so driven to take I got progressively closer until we were side by side and he let me be there.

“It’s not that I don’t think you’re capable buddy, I know you’re great at climbing and jumping. I know that you’re also really good at judging distances and understanding what your body can do. You’re way better than me at all of those things.” I saw the fight go out of him. I saw how that had been what he was resisting and defying, it was the suggestion that he couldn’t, it was me taking over the discernment and decision making. I explained to him why I felt I had to do it.

See we’re both HSP’s but we’re very different HSP’s. The SPS trait is a spectrum just like all other neurodivergences and neurotypes. While we both process deeply, get overstimulated easily, respond strongly to emotion around us and have sensory sensitivities we have our own unique temperament traits too. He’s extroverted while I’m introvereted. He has grown up as a male child and I a female child in a society that treats each very differently. I people please, he wants top of the pecking order. I soften, he stands strong and tough. He also has an additional trait that has been closely linked with HSP’s called high sensation seeking. While SPS allows us to see and feel in more detail than usual, high sensation seeking challenges and opposes this. It says “Yeah but that would feel really good’ it says ‘you can see all of these potential dangers but go anyway’. I could see it in his face when he was up there, carefully measuring with his eyes, looking around, filled with adrenaline and the promise of fulfillment and joy at the other end of the jump. When I said no, when I started to explain how I saw danger in that long thick grass where he saw a cushioned landing the defiance crept in. ‘I’ll show you’ crept in and tried to take over, clouded his careful and calculated thinking. That’s where I got worried. That’s where I saw him doing something that his SPS would never normally let him do just to prove me wrong, just to prove that I couldn’t take that high sensation he was seeking from him. That day it was a wall and a jump, in ten years it could look very different and that’s why these experiences now and the conversations surrounding them are so important.

Each one has the potential to help him to understand himself and these drives within him better. To know what that push pull of processing potential dangers and feeling the strong urge to ‘go anyway’ is all about. Pushing with the ‘you can’t do that, get down now’ would have just given him more to push back against, more to prove wrong. Talking to his SPS side kept it online, kept it in his mind. The things I communicated that I was noticing and processing reminded him that he was noticing and processing them too, it kept that careful thinking part of him at the table while he made the decision to jump or not. It gave him a practice of feeling that intense drive to seek high sensation and choosing something safer. It gave him a practice of moving through the emotion and energy of that in his body. To hopefully balance out the vast amount of experiences he has had of ‘jumping anyway’ and landing just fine so that he can have both points of reference to work with in the future. It will feel good if I jump but it can also be ok if I decide not to.

I’ve been reading and learning more about high sensation seeking lately, for him. Learning from others who feel it too, that it has the potential to get him into increasingly risky situations as he gets older and also that there are some amazing men out in the world studying these traits, living well with these traits through awareness of them and dedicating their lives to helping and supporting others to live well with them. There are parts of my LW that I understand and resonate with deeply and there are parts that I’ll never feel or really know myself (like enjoying jumping off of a high limestone wall!!!). Being open about what I see, know and what I can bring to the space between us is one part of my role, being aware of others who can fill the gaps is equally important as I guide him towards awareness, acceptance and empowerment.