Sensitive & Alive

This is my daughter standing under the rising full moon outside Timezone last night.

Some of you who know me well might be surprised to hear that we went in AND that we both had a great time 

Even more surprised that I didn’t just find myself there and manage…but planned and chose to go.

Awareness of my sensitivity in the past couple of years brought with it a fair bit of avoidance. I learned so much about what affects me negatively and why, that it led me to also learn how to minimise it all in order to take care of myself.

Avoidance served me well, it created space for me to learn what ‘feeling ok’ actually feels like for me.

Avoidance is not what I want to rely on though and it’s not what I want to teach my kids about the world. I don’t want them to learn that the only way to ‘feel ok’ in the world is to avoid the parts that make us feel ‘too much’.

That’s where somatics has come in for me.

It is what mindfulness is for our thoughts, for our body and it’s felt sense.

I learned to notice my thoughts (the messages of my mind) and practiced how to take back control from them through mindfulness early on.

I then learned to notice the messages of my spirit through meditation, practicing in stillness and silence how to differentiate between the two.

Most recently I’ve learned to notice the messages of my body, to understand it’s sensations and to create a space, a pause between what I feel in my body and how I respond.

I don’t have to avoid situations where my body feels a lot for fear that it will overwhelm my entire system anymore.

I can remain regulated when I am aware of what is happening in my body and when I can remain regulated I can co-regulate with my children and anyone else I’m with. We can be together in overwhelming situations and we can be ok. I can move towards life and sensory experiences willingly rather than shy away or exhaust myself to hide and cover up my overwhelm.

Timezone is not a place I choose to spend time regularly. That won’t change. I’m much more likely to head to the beach or go for a walk in the bush BUT on an occasion where I find myself in a loud, flashing, busy environment or for whatever reason choose to be there, my connection with my felt sense and the tools I have developed to step back from how my physical body is responding to the environment and pause before acting allow me to be there…and to be ok.

Going to Timezone with my five year old daughter last night felt like freedom. Walking through, taking it all in, playing with her, getting excited and feeling a lot without feeling scared of that.

It felt like living. It felt like letting go. It felt like fully experiencing the world and the moment in front of me. It felt like BEING. In my body. Embodied. Sensitive and Alive.

It felt like who I want to be.