Short

I came up short this morning and I got pulled up for it. My answers, my responses to questions and attempts at conversation were short. It’s not a new thing, it’s been a recurring, sticking point actually. Why do you have to get like this? Why do you have to be so short? The assumption is that the behaviour is a choice, that this part of my way of being has been consciously and purposefully cultivated. Even though I know it doesn’t work for me or feel good, despite my growing awareness of it over the years it hasn’t stopped, it hasn’t changed. I haven’t been able to stop the moments of coming up short and I also haven’t been able to clearly understand or communicate why until today.

Short is actually the perfect word for it. It is exactly what the behaviour is about and that clicked into place this morning. It’s not choosing to be short but responding to being short, of space. It happens when I’m busy and when we are rushed. It also happens when I am emotionally busy and emotionally pushed. Those are the times when I get challenged on it, when the behaviour gets judged as unreasonable and unfair. When I get judged harshly for it because it doesn’t make logical or rational sense because the chaos that sets it off is invisible inside me. It comes down to language, a lack of language. Language is so important and when it comes to emotions themselves we have recognised how important it is to have the words for what we are feeling. We also need words for how we are feeling it. We need language for the way the energy is moving (emotion) and also the effect that it is having on us. We don’t have this language because it is assumed that we are all affected the same way or perhaps that there is one normal way and anything outside of that is a problem. We barely recognise the different ways it is possible to experience the world, our environment and our emotions, what it can feel like and how we can be affected by it.

I’m slowly pulling together my own language, to use, to communicate and make sense of what is happening inside of me in various situations because often what is happening for me does not fit what is expected or accepted as normal. I’m adding ‘short’ to my vocabulary. I’m adding it to edges, capacity, space, wobbly, steady, grounded, scattered, depleted, empty, full, overwhelmed. I’m adding it to my energy language. I’m feeling short of space, of energetic and emotional capacity right now and as a result my responses to your requests, your needs, your attempts to connect into my energy may be short. I’m short with you because I am managing a very short supply of space and energy right now, because there is way more here that I have capacity for and I need to protect what there is for the highest priority things. I need to protect what there is for bedtime tears about missing teachers and for quiet, subtle worries about what next year might be like. I need to protect what there is for remembering which day each class party is on and what we need to remember to bring to each one. Right now I’m short on space and hanging on by a thread until I can build some of that space back up.

That’s another thing we need language for, need to be able to communicate. The way I get that space back may not make sense to you, it may be different to what you would expect. It may not be how you do it. I get my space back in the silence, I get it back when I’m on my own and able to just be with what is in my head so that it can clear. As things get busy and the space around me shrinks so does quiet time alone. When something seems wrong and I don’t want to talk, it’s because talking uses more of the space that I just don’t have. I hold space for people, personally and professionally, it’s what I do. It’s what I’m here for, it’s my gift but it’s not a given. To hold space I have to have space and to do it well, sustainably I have to have enough for them and enough for me. Some days at work take up all I have, some situations with my kids take all that I have. Sometimes when things get busy and there is no quiet and not enough aloneness, I come up short.

Yesterday was big, last night was big. I went to bed early and still I came up short this morning. So this morning my phone is off, this morning I prioritise silence, this morning my movement was restorative and nourishing, this morning I sit with what is in my head and I allow it to come out. I can’t just decide not to be short, even when I’m aware of it. My energy is like a bank account, when it’s getting low it needs to be topped up and it gets topped up through work. The shortness in my words and my tone is an involuntary boundary, it’s a protective wall that comes up to say, back off there’s not enough here for you too. Most often now it comes up in my home with my family, those closest to me. Before I was aware of it, aware of my energy and sensitivity it used to come up everywhere and anywhere. I was short, harsh, reactive in every aspect of my life and I guess I believed it was who I was. It was a character flaw I berated myself for quietly in my head, telling myself off, feeling powerless to stop or change it.

Understanding energy and understanding my energy and sensitivity has given me power. Awareness has given me power because now I know that when I’m short, the shortness is about me trying, or feeling pressure to be able to do everything with nothing. My subconscious is putting up those harsh brick wall boundaries to protect my waning energy, to say no when conscious me feels that she can’t. I can recognise that now and take back the reigns. I can take a step back, take a breath and consciously put up a softer, temporary boundary while I use my tools to get some space back, lengthen my energy and emotional capacity. I just need some grace to build those new patterns, to keep hold of the reigns, to strengthen the pathways of noticing, stepping back, breathing and communicating what is really happening in this scenario. First though, I need the language to be able to calmly communicate my request for grace, to explain why this is so important, so that I can grow in this, so that the big, harsh, brick walls don’t need to be called in anymore. Today I added ‘short’ to my language.