The one skeleton.

We got the Lego tubs out in the school holidays.

Not just the tub of bricks but also the tub of tiny little bits that have come from many Star Wars and Ninjago and Jurassic Park sets the boys have been given over the years. I separated these out a few years back because the stash was getting overwhelming to sift through and nobody was building anything.

Everyone was very excited to pull both tubs out and to be reunited with 10,000 tiny weapons, T-Rex teeth, wheels and helmets. They all got pretty creative and then it started…I was asked and asked and asked to come and play Lego.

Ugh.

I avoided, made excuses, said “not right now” and “after I’ve finished this” so many times that I could feel them and myself getting frustrated.

So I had to get curious and sit with where the frustration and the avoidance were coming from.

The thing is, I don’t like playing Lego or building things. (I also don’t like Barbies or playing make believe but that’s another story for another day).

I don’t like building with Lego because it feels difficult for me. Because I don’t feel like I’m good at it. Because it doesn’t come naturally and uses up a lot of energy for me to stay with it.

Perhaps I’m not good at it because I haven’t done much of it in my life. Perhaps I haven’t done much of it in my life because I’m not naturally good at it.

At this stage it doesn’t really matter. I am wired the way I am wired due in part to my nature and in part to my nurture. Sure it’s something I could work on rewiring but it’s just not up the top of my priority list for that.

What matters is that it feels like a struggle to sit and pretend that I like it and I know that what my child is asking in those moments is for me to sit and connect with her- not to sit and struggle next to her and pretend I’m not struggling.

It took me a while, wrestling with the guilt and the ‘shoulds’ and the ‘I wish I could just’s’ and the beating myself up about not wanting to, avoiding and saying no.

Then I acknowledged the need underneath the struggle for me. A need for acceptance of what I like and don’t like. What I find difficult and what I find easy. A need to be allowed to say no I won’t pretend or push myself on this one. To consider that there might be another way- for me to meet someone else’s need without abandoning mine.

I sat down next to my daughter and I asked her about what she was building. I listened to her. I’m good at that and I could do that with genuine ease and a smile on my face. I then asked her what she was going to build next and she told me she was looking for the skeleton.

The one skeleton that she was sure must be somewhere in the tub.

So I sat with her and chatted with her as I looked for a needle in a haystack. Because I’m good at that too, I’m good at noticing tiny details and hyper focussing on a single task. Because I was able to be present with her and our conversation while I busied myself with something that does come naturally to me.

I found the skeleton after a while and my daughter was over the moon…for about 3 seconds…and then she asked me to find its arms and legs.

We chatted for another hour while I searched for and found them.

Her need to have me sit with her and ‘play Lego’ was met and my need to model authenticity, boundaries and acknowledgment of my own needs as a parent alongside hers was also met.

One day she might be a mother and as well as memories of me playing and connecting with her I want her to have a belief and a knowing that how she feels matters.

That she doesn’t have to give up and override who she is, that she can nurture her children while also nurturing and honouring their mother.