The rules.

The rules. They’re everywhere, invisible, unspoken, everywhere. In life as a girl then a woman. Over there too, in the boy and man’s world. 

I’ve struggled with the rules for a lot of years. Invisibly, silently. I, like most of us, built myself and my way of being by the rules. By comparing and competing to be as good, if not better than everyone around me at everything.

Until, one day I was reading a book and a line of words that said something so simple like “you are not better than anyone and nobody is better than you” shifted everything. 

It took a while to process and unravel the shift and why those words in particular, so strongly stirred something in me. But from that moment, reading those words, I started to consider that one of the rules I had lived by and built myself around wasn’t actually real or true. 

Layer by layer I had been taught, it had been reinforced silently, that where I fit on the ladder was most important of all. That staying ahead of some in order to not fall behind others was essential. That my status in relation to others- in my looks, my weight, my intelligence, my niceness and my ability to please, my popularity- was my worth and my value. But then one day, out of nowhere, that idea was challenged by this new idea. 

I didn’t have to compete. I didn’t have to compare. I could stand at the bottom of the ladder and shake my head ‘no thank you’ and I could still be safe and secure down there. Choosing to not be in the race, to not win or lose, not beat or be beaten, or even play the game. Just to be and to grow into more of myself. 

Life has been different since then. Life has been so much better and easier since then. But of course it brings its challenges too. To see the world differently, to interact in the world with this different view and different way of being. It’s not always easy. The game and the rules don’t go away just because we choose not to live our lives by them. Sometimes people expect and assume that we are still in the game. They make assumptions based on how they see the world, not how we do. The rules still trip us up at times, often when we’re not expecting it. 

I’m an idealist, I see a better way and I want it. I hope for it to become the norm and sometimes I get ahead of myself and think it already is. I often focus on being it and living it as just one person, knowing that can make a difference as it ripples out. Not just for me but for my daughter and every little girl of the future. To feel and to know that they are ok and they are enough in their little hearts. That they don’t need to play to win any game, to be worthy and valuable in the world.

So even when me not playing the game or by the rules is confusing to others and causing conflict for me to navigate, I still don’t want to play. For my daughter and for a better way I just have to navigate the conflict and the push back as best I can and continue to say ‘no thank you’.

I’m being reminded that people make assumptions based on how they see the world, not how I do. That I won’t always be able to get them to understand my view. But if I always make my choices based on the assumptions they might make…based on the rules of a game that I cannot condone or participate in anymore, then they might never consider a different view of the world and it, the world and the game, might never, ever change.

I need the game to change, above all else.

I don’t need to be liked by everyone at the expense of that ever being a possibility.