Underneath.

Ps. (Before you read!) I’m ok  I’m actually more ok today than I was before any of this came up  because I’m not carrying it anymore!

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Something big came up yesterday. Something big came into the big space I have been creating and protecting in my inner world.

Something, not that big, happened and all of a sudden the space inside me was filled with anger. Thoughts rolled into my mind that built the anger into rage- words that I rarely think and never speak arrived.

I spent the afternoon wrestling with them so that they wouldn’t take the reins.

Allowing myself to feel them while remaining aware of and in touch with the part of me that knew they were not for here and now. That what I was feeling was not about the thing that was happening. Not entirely.

By the end of the day I was exhausted. I detached and distracted and went to bed feeling heavy with unfinished business, unexpressed emotion. I hadn’t reacted or exploded but I also hadn’t finished.

This morning I woke to meet an intense sadness. The rage had transformed and the sadness brought with it a sense of another place and time. An explanation. It was the sense of a time when this sadness had been ignored, invalidated and suppressed within me- forced to grow louder and more intense, into frustration, anger and rage before being expressed- and then ignored, invalidated and suppressed by the outside world. Seen and heard and reflected back as over the top, neurotic, exaggerated, too much.

It all started as a sadness, a grief, a helplessness. A valid and reasonable response to a situation that felt and was unfair. That I didn’t have the tools or capacity to express in the moment. That I didn’t feel I could or should.

The sadness simply came to say- I want to be able to do/be/agree to that for you but it’s not possible for me.

The anger and rage turned it into- how could you even dare to think it’s ok to expect that of me, disregard my experience and then punish me for not being able to do/be/agree to it?

And that is what I have carried, that is what has been taking up space inside me for so long. Raging and stomping and swearing a protective wall around the soft, small sadness. Ensuring that I couldn’t see, acknowledge or accept the sadness for what it really is.

Valid, reasonable, fair and deserving of being heard.

The big stuff comes up when there is space for it. When we are in the right place mentally, physically, energetically to be able to deal with and process it.

Even then, what comes up is a clue. The magic is happening underneath what comes up 

Right now I am ready and able to see and speak for my sadness- so I can thank my rage and ask it to leave.

Living and working for and through this space inside of us doesn’t guarantee bliss or never ending peace.

What it guarantees is healing and growth, which can lead to bliss and peace after we move through the work and the pain of it. After we dig for the magic underneath.