What it takes.

I’m practicing what I preach this morning. Or should I say I’m being challenged to practice what I preach?!

A feeling of, a sense that, ‘it’s all caught up with me’ has arrived this morning.

I’ve caught myself in a tendency, a pattern, thinking to myself things like “see you shouldn’t have…” and “this always happens, you should have known” and “I’m just not cut out for ‘more’, I should stay small/quiet/away from…”.

In the past, another layer of this pattern, was to panic “I’ll never feel better, I’m spiralling now, I’m headed for a crash”. I know this part isn’t true now, the beliefs that used to drive that panic are no longer mine but the worry, the shoulds and shouldn’ts still come up. They’ve been here this morning.

My morning started with “ohhhh man- I can’t afford to feel like this- I really don’t want to- the house is a mess- this is my day to do what I want and what I need- I wanted to do ‘something’ with my day.

Frustration. Resistance. Avoidance.

And then a new awareness. This is something!!!

I’m not being punished or shown/told/reminded of my limitations. I’m being helped and supported to grow and stretch them in a healthy and sustainable way.

I can do more. I can expand. I can meet the expectations of the outside world. I can do what it takes.

What it takes includes this.

The rest. The recuperation. The integration. The pause.

This is my soul’s time now. Time for my spirit to be heard and honoured and filled up. For so many reasons it needs to do this, what I’m experiencing this morning, to get its turn.

It’s saying- today you won’t be able to concentrate on anything big through this headache and brain fog. I need your energy- your mind can wait.

It’s saying- today you won’t be able to move from one task to the next at the pace of distraction. I need your energy- your body must stop.

Sit or potter but move at a pace that allows me space, keep things at a volume that allows me to whisper and chat to you. To flow through you so that I can feel heard, acknowledged and done. So that you can hear my guidance and know what comes next. I’ve been waiting patiently for too long now.

When I make time for it my soul doesn’t have to insist like it is today. When there is room for it, it doesn’t have to elbow and push in front of my other priorities.

When I’m pushing myself to do and be more, when I’m out in uncharted territory and my mind and body are swept up in the momentum, my soul is always watching. My spirit is cheering me on and when I start getting close to a new edge, it’s always going to do whatever it can to prevent me from going over.

With this awareness and perspective I can be grateful for today, as it is. To know that even this, feeling like this, is doing something with my day.