With a different voice.

It’s no coincidence that I have become a past version of myself, in response to experiences so similar to those I have struggled with before. It’s no coincidence that these experiences have all come up for me, lined up, in the energy of a lunar eclipse, while I have been at my most fragile, most depleted in years.

There are no coincidences. There are no mistakes or wrong turns. Only perfect opportunities to move past the old- past by way of moving through- to leave behind.

It has felt like being back at square one. Things are out of balance, I am overwhelmed. Retreating into hard, cold, self preservation. I am helpless, hopeless, grasping. I will not break.

I know we have come so far. I know how to do this. I know I have everything I need. I know and I feel. Both belong here and both are purposeful.

I know we will be ok, we are already ok, and I feel like I’m flailing. Because in this same situation, years ago, I did flail. I did fall and reach and grasp at nothing, endlessly. I did lose myself and my way. I did lose all sense of comfort, connection, hope.

I didn’t have the tools to be with what I was feeling, the language or self compassion to ask for what I need. This time I do.

This feels hard, like it did then, but it is now. I am reliving it, I am rewriting it in order to retell it- with a different voice, the whole narrative changes.

He is ok. We are ok. We have work to do and it is not impossible. We can make tough choices. We can do hard things when we know they are the right thing.

 My energy is low, as much of it resides in the past reliving, rewriting, retelling.

This is not my norm. This is not me. But it is where I am today and where I must be willing to be if I am to come out the other side unscathed. Clear of a layer rather than carrying several more.

I will not stay here. I cannot let this version of me stay. But I will be with what is here and feel what she feels, without judgement, for as long as she needs.

I will not be picked up from here by the things I know can make me feel better faster.

I will not allow the weight of how I am feeling to be brushed away so that I am light enough to lift. Light enough to race ahead.

What is here, is for me to be with , here for me to feel. When it shifts, I will shift and not the other way around. I trust.

I take my tea outside, put my feet in the cold, wet grass and face the sun.

“I am here” it says, the Earth under the grass and the Sun, as one.

“Not to pick you up or change what you feel. I am just here.”

It gets dark and cold suddenly.

“The sun went behind the clouds, that’s all. The sun allows the clouds to have their time in front when it is their time.”

The clouds pass. The sky clears. The light and warmth come back.

I trust.